How to Balance the Relationship Among Multi-Child Families
文/荟同学校 心理老师 胡旭丹 By Huitong School Counsellor Ms. Danielle Hu
“我家老小简直是天使，很会讨长辈欢心，学校老师也称赞有加。老大就真的让我很头疼，经常收到投诉。同样的爸妈，同样的家庭环境，哪里出问题了？”
"My youngest baby is an angel, very good at making elders happy and always receive praises from school teachers. The oldest is a real headache, often receive complaints. Same mom and dad, same family environment, where did it go wrong?"
“我家两个孩子总是喜欢争吵、互相告状。我介入评理了，他们觉得我在偏心某一方。不管他们又担心他们的矛盾越来越大。”
"My two children always like to argue and tell on each other. When I intervene to judge, they think I'm favoring one side or the other. I don't care about them and worry that their conflict is getting bigger and bigger."
“每次家里人夸赞一个孩子的时候，另一个就不服气，甚至开始攻击对方。原本高高兴兴的一件事，反而以争吵收场。”
"Every time a family member praises one child, the other is unconvinced and even starts to attack each other.
What was supposed to be a happy thing ended in a quarrel. "
“我家大宝都小学生了，看到我抱小宝的时候，还要争风吃醋，灵魂拷问我‘爱不爱他’!”
"My eldest baby are elementary school students, see me hug the little baby, but also to fight jealousy, soul torture me 'love him or not'!"
以上的心声是在家长咨询心理老师的过程中表达出来的困惑与不解。在国家开放三胎政策以来，二孩、三孩家庭不断增多，许多家长面临着类似的问题。如何平衡亲子之间的关系，建立孩子之间的良好关系，也成为父母课堂的必修课。
The above voices are the confusion and disbelief expressed during the parents' consultation with the school counsellors. Since the opening of the three-child policy, the number of families with two or three children has been increasing, and many parents are facing similar problems. How to balance the relationship between parents and children and establish a good relationship between them has also become a mandatory lesson in the parenting classroom.
首先，家长要知道，孩子在一个家庭里的出生顺序就某种程度上，就决定了他的成长之路的不同，影响了他个性与发展，以及面对生活和问题时的态度等。心理学家Alfred Adler指出：哪怕同样的父母在同一个环境下养育两个孩子，孩子的出生顺序对孩子的心理发展的影响是有巨大差异的。美国麻省理工学院人脑与认知科学系学者弗兰克.J.萨洛维对同一家庭的兄弟姐妹做了长达25年的跟踪研究，他发现兄弟姐妹的个性存在极大差异。老大往往性格保守，责任心强，同时往往会不够自信，甚至会有压抑和敏感个性。中间的孩子得到的关注往往是最少的，他们会缺乏安全感，但他们的社交能力更强的、处理问题更有策略、更灵活。最小的孩子为了保护自己，争取更多父母的关爱的与精力，往往更会讨好长辈，更容易得到长辈的喜爱，性格更为开朗乐观，更有创造力，喜欢冒险。
First of all, parents should know that the birth order of a child in a family determines, in a way, the different paths of his development, influencing his personality and development, as well as his attitude when facing life and problems. Psychologist Mr. Alfred Adler points out that even if the same parents raise two children in the same environment, there is a huge difference in the impact of the birth order of the children on their psychological development. Mr. Frank J. Salovey, a scholar in the Department of Human Brain and Cognitive Sciences at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, did a 25-year follow-up study of siblings in the same family and found that the personalities of siblings differed greatly. The oldest tends to be reserved and responsible, while often being less confident and even having a repressed and sensitive personality. The middle child tends to get the least attention, and they will be insecure, but they are more socially competent, strategic and flexible in dealing with problems. The youngest children tend to please their elders more and are more likely to be loved by them in order to protect themselves and gain more parental care and energy, and have more cheerful and optimistic personalities, are more creative and like to take risks.
当然不是所有家庭和孩子都是一样的，兄弟姐妹之间的差异的原因有很多，每个家庭的情况也不一样，想要成为孩子之间良好关系的催化剂，可以尝试以下方法：
Of course not all families and children are the same, there are many reasons for the differences between siblings, and each family is different. To be a catalyst for good relationships between children, try the following methods.
1、接受孩子之间的不同，避免比较 Accept the differences between children and avoid comparison
每个孩子都是独一无二的，他们个性、气质特点、兴趣爱好、能力发展等都不一样。每个孩子身上都有闪光点，值得我们去挖掘与欣赏，也都有不足的地方，需要提高的方面。我们不仅要练习用发展的眼光看待孩子的成长，还要避免在孩子面前有意或无意地比较。在多子女家庭教育中，家长需要关注每个孩子的闪光点和优势，并给予肯定。切勿拿一个孩子的优势与另一个孩子的弱势做比较。
Every child is unique, with different personalities, temperament characteristics, interests, and ability development. Each child has shining points that we should explore and appreciate, as well as weak points that they need to improve. We should not only looking at our children's growth with a developmental perspective, but also avoid comparing them intentionally or unintentionally in front of our children. In homeschooling with multiple children, parents need to focus on each child's shining points and strengths and recognize them. Never compare one child's strengths with another child's weaknesses.
2、平衡陪伴时间，让孩子感受到你的爱 Balance your company time and let your child feel your love
不管是独生子女还是多孩家庭的孩子，他们都喜欢被关爱、被宠爱。即使父母再忙也专门花点时间分别给孩子提供单独专门的陪伴，比如：妈妈与老大的单独晚餐时光，妈妈与小宝的故事时间；爸爸与老大的骑行活动等。尽管父母精力有限，但对老大的专门陪伴是必不可少的，可以一定程度上降低小宝出生可能会带给老大的落差感，增加老大的安全感与归属感。平时父母要多用语言与行动表达对孩子的爱。当孩子能够感受到来自父母满满的爱时，他们就不会那么容易抱怨父母偏心，也不会有那么强烈的争宠行为了。
Whether it is an only child or a child in a multi-child family, children all like to be loved and pampered. Even if parents are busy, they should spend some time to spend with their children separately, such as: separate dinner time with mom for the oldest, story time with mom for the youngest; riding activities with dad for the oldest, etc. Although parents have limited energy, special companionship for the oldest is essential to somewhat reduce the sense of disparity that the birth of a baby may bring to the oldest and increase the oldest's sense of security and belonging. Parents should express their love for their children with words and actions. When children can feel the love from their parents, they will be less likely to complain about their parents' eccentricity and less likely to fight for favor.
3、引导孩子自行解决矛盾，非必要不介入 Guide children to resolve conflicts on their own, don't intervene unless necessary
当孩子之间出现矛盾的时候，很多家长会一下子就来气，不分青红皂白先责备孩子。其实兄弟姐妹间的争吵很正常，教会孩子如何解决冲突更为重要，这不但能提高他们解决问题的能力，还能避免他们形成有问题就找大人解决的依赖行为。当孩子争吵时，家长可以先观察，不要轻易介入，除非有安全隐患，否则尽量让孩子们自己解决问题。冲突过后，父母一定要及时跟孩子讨论，分析产生矛盾的原因，尝试站在对方角度思考问题，称赞他们做得好的方面，反思可以改进的地方。如果父母不得不介入时，先同理孩子的情绪，再引导孩子说出问题，并一起思考最佳解决方案。
When conflicts arise between children, many parents get angry all of a sudden and blame their children first, regardless of the reason. In fact, it is normal for siblings to quarrel with each other, but it is more important to teach children how to resolve conflicts, which not only improves their problem-solving skills, but also prevents them from forming a dependency behavior of looking for adults to solve problems. When children argue, parents can first observe, do not easily intervene, unless the children are having safety risks. Then, parents should try to let the children solve their own problems. After the conflict, parents must discuss with their children, analyze the reasons for the conflict, try to put themselves in each other's shoes, praise what they did well, and reflect on what can be improved. If a parent has to intervene, empathize with the child's emotions before guiding him or her to talk about the problem and think about the best solution together.
4、建立孩子间的感情，杜绝互相告状 Establish emotion connections between children and put an end to telling on each other.
鼓励孩子们之间相互帮助，比如根据孩子的实际情况设置家务活任务，只有双方都完成了才能获得奖励，这样也会激励两个人一条心，关系也更为亲密。打小报告是最影响手足间关系的行为之一，拒绝接受孩子们之间互相告状也是建立孩子间感情的关键。当有一方向父母打小报告的时候，例如，妹妹向父母说：“哥哥今晚回家没有认真写作业，他在玩游戏。“这时父母可以告诉妹妹说：“感谢你对哥哥的关心，但是哥哥的事你不用太操心，我们要相信哥哥自己能做好的。我希望你多说说哥哥做得好的地方。” 同时也不要因为妹妹的告状，去批评哥哥。这样久而久之，孩子也会发现告状也取悦不了父母，也不能让兄弟姐妹陷入麻烦。
Encouraging children to help each other, such as setting chore tasks that are tailored to the child's situation and only rewarding both of them for completing them, will also motivate two people to work together and become closer. Telling on each other is one of the most damaging behaviors in a sibling relationship, and refusing to accept it is a key to building relationships between children. When one child tell on the other, for example, when a sister says to her parents, "My brother didn't do his homework tonight, he was playing games. "At this point, the parents can tell the sister, "Thank you for caring about your brother, but you don't have to worry too much about your brother, we have to believe that he can do a good job by himself. I want you to talk more about what your brother is doing well." Also, don't go criticizing the brother because of the sister's words. This way, over time, the child will also find that tattling doesn't please the parents, nor does it get the siblings into trouble.
总之，要平衡多孩家庭的关系不易，家长需要关注每个孩子的需求和情绪变化，平衡好亲子关系及孩子之间的关系，才能够让孩子拥有健全的心理。
In conclusion, it is not easy to balance the relationship of a multi-child family. Parents need to pay attention to the needs and emotional changes of each child, and balance the parent-child relationship and the relationship between the children in order for the children to have a sound mind.
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